Students encouraged to horse around
Ponies to return campus to original 1835 state, as well as solve parking dilemma

April 2, 2004
by Liz Vogel
Contributing writer

In an unprecedented move by college administration, all students shall henceforth receive, free of charge, their very own pony. The inspiration for this reactionary policy is the new Nancy G. Held Equestrian Facility.

Concerned that the new equestrian facility might not generate enough interest from incoming students, the college hopes that by providing ponies, students will be enticed to actively participate and perpetuate the college’s ultimate vision of converting the campus into an early-19th-century hamlet.

“‘Liberal Arts at Work’ has been the motto that has provided students with the best possible liberal arts education,” said Chuck Norris, Albion College Dean of Students. “The real ‘vision,’ however, has always been to restore the campus to its original state at its founding in 1835. Ponies are a first step in that direction.”

Whispers of this new policy have quickly turned into debates as students and faculty discuss the short-and long-term ramifications of what has unofficially been deemed the “Pony Plan.”

When asked to comment on the new policy, Martha Louks, Eldersburg, Md., senior had serious reservations.

“The idea seems great,” Louks said. “You know, kind of like Communism. But will it really work?”

Campus Safety has assured the administration as well as the college community that the Pony Plan will provide the solution to a problem that has been a hot topic on campus for years: student parking.

Campus Safety estimates that the Pony Plan will allow for a four-fold increase in pony parking availability, which will be located in current parking lots. Changes are occurring rapidly, as the parking lot near Wesley Hall is already being equipped with hitching posts and troughs.

Some students eagerly anticipate the arrival of ponies on campus to alleviate the strains and discomfort of distant parking.

“Yeah man, I hate walking all the way to the nature center to get my car,” said Beavis Smith, Podunk sophomore. “It’s like, a full eighth of a mile away. With a pony on hand, I’ll not only save money on gas, but I can make my pony do all the walking for me.”

To solve the question of funding, the science complex renovation project has been permanently halted and the entire pre-med institute has been officially dissolved. The Student Activity Fee (SAF) will also increase five percent each year to cover basic stable and feed costs.

Although doubts regarding funding of the Pony Plan are consuming the conversations of students during class as well as at Baldwin, the benefits of such a policy seem to outweigh the costs. The Pony Plan will economically stimulate to the area. Jobs for pony groomers, pony handlers, and pony pooper-scoopers have already been filled.

Currently, there is a nation-wide search for qualified Pony Polo coaches.

The bookstore, eager to get in on the action, has already ordered pony saddles and other pony amenities that will be embossed with the Albion College logo. The bookstore staff is also considering selling items such as bowler hats and canes for the men, as well as petticoats and parasols for the women.

A prospective student, Vickie Salt, West Bloomfield High School freshman, has expressed a deep disquiet over the potential of getting a damaged pony.

“Four years down the road this plan may falter,” Salt said. “Will the incoming class of 2011 be forced to ride used ponies? This is simply unacceptable. I want my mommy!”

While the details of the Pony Plan seem to be hazy, and questions arise daily of the feasibility of the college handling nearly 1,500 ponies, the administration has all but guaranteed its success.