What We’ve Got Here
by Evan Dawson-Baglien
“I thought the Grdkk we wanted was female?” Lily said.
This particular Grdkk was obviously not that. For one thing, his fur was cream, not pure white. For another his claws were smooth, not serrated. And of course, in bodily shape, he vaguely resembled a ten-foot long bipedal cougar covered with bony armor, and of course, everyone knows female Grdkks vaguely resemble twelve-foot long Platybelodon mastodons covered with metallic armor.
“I thought I told you about this,” said Lorenz, “Grdkks are polyandrous. Their females have several mates, and they use them for communicating with outsiders. Two unrelated female Grdkks would tear each other apart if they met face to face. They’re very territorial.”
“I wondered how they could be so territorial and still share enough knowledge to be as advanced as they are,” said Lily, “but we need to interview Lady Phii on the history of her people. It would take forever if we used an intermediary.”
“Yes, but Lady Phii has never talked to aliens before,” said Lorenz, “and she is rather nervous. She wants to send a male to examine us first.”
“So,” said the male, “you’re the ones who want to take all my Lady’s life’s work for yourselves. [actually he said “Eohephiinu lesupatzvor ecsimitose heesominrolii vlahrim”, but the Human’s translation computers were very effective] Well let me tell you that I don’t approve of it. I’ve never liked you aliens much and I don’t like you walking right into the middle of my Lady’s territory and grilling her as if she were a naughty cub.”
“I assure you that we have the greatest respect for Lady Phii,” said Lorenz, “and we are not trying to bother her in any way. We are simply researchers who are curious about the history of the Grdkkish race.”
“Well, I know that my Lady has spent years studying our people’s history. I don’t like the idea of a bunch of aliens learning it all in a few weeks.”
“We’re going to tell her about Human history in return,” said Lily.
“No decent Grdkk really cares about what you aliens have been doing with yourselves for a few thousand years. It can’t possibly be very interesting.”
“Can you please just take us to Lady Phii?” said Lorenz.
“Alright,” said the male, “but I still don’t like it.”
The male led them over a large expanse of ice and snow before they finally reached Lady Phii. She was feeding, using her shovel-like tusks to scrape away ice and get at the moss-like plants underneath. She paused and looked up as the male and the two Humans arrived.
“I’m so glad to meet you,” she said, “I was nervous at first, but you little things really look so cute in those little fur-rimmed parkas of yours. I’m sure we’ll have a nice interview.”
The interview went splendidly. Lady Phii showed them how to link their pocket computers to her backpack device, and she spent endless hours explaining as the data came in. Lorenz and Lily were amazed by the breadth of her knowledge, and how eloquently she spoke, even after her language was fed through the translator.
When it was their turn to lecture they felt somewhat inadequate by comparison as they explained Human history to her, but she was a polite listener. All in all it was a pleasant and productive week. They were rather sad when it was time to leave.
As they boarded the ship Lorenz said, “I should have known a non-Grdkk wouldn’t activate her territorial instinct, but I was rather worried. That mate of hers was so rude to us that I started to think that she would probably be too. I’m glad I was wrong.”
“I would think it would be obvious,” said Lily.
“Why do you think that,” said Lorenz.
“Because, silly, you can’t judge a Grdkk by its lover!”